5 things successful couples avoid in conversations with each other!

Research shows that the things partners say and do during a conversation to protect themselves can often inadvertently hurt the other person involved in the discussion.

This dynamic can lead to a pattern where arguments keep repeating in a never-ending cycle, creating a toxic environment that is difficult to escape.

The renowned relationship researchers, Drs. John and Julie Gottman identified four specific negative communication patterns that they termed the 'Four Horsemen'. These four behaviours—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—serve as significant predictors of relationship breakdowns. Each of these behaviours undermines the foundation of trust and emotional safety that is essential for healthy communication.

Criticism involves attacking a partner's character rather than addressing specific behaviours, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and resentment.

Contempt, which is often expressed through sarcasm, name-calling, or eye-rolling, conveys a sense of superiority and disdain, further escalating conflict.

Defensiveness is a response to perceived attacks, where individuals protect themselves by denying responsibility, which can prevent constructive dialogue.

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the conversation, shutting down emotionally, and refusing to engage, leaving the other feeling abandoned and unheard.

In addition to these four horsemen, the Gottmans also identified a fifth behaviour that can contribute to relationship distress: emotional flooding. This occurs when one partner feels overwhelmed by negative emotions during a conflict, leading to an inability to think clearly or respond rationally. Emotional flooding can result in a complete shutdown or an explosive reaction, making resolution nearly impossible. Understanding these patterns is crucial for couples who wish to break the cycle of conflict and build a healthier relationship.

By recognising and addressing these detrimental behaviours, partners can work towards fostering a more supportive and empathetic communication style, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and harmonious relationship.

The culprits of a hurtful conversation are:

1. Criticise

2. Withdraw

3. Blame

4. Resentful compliance

5. Mind reading

1. Criticism: Successful couples avoid criticising each other's character or personality traits. Instead, they focus on expressing their needs and concerns in a constructive and non-blaming manner.

2. Defensiveness: Rather than becoming defensive or engaging in a blame game, successful couples take responsibility for their actions and actively listen to their partner's perspective without immediately getting defensive.

3. Stonewalling: Stonewalling refers to shutting down or withdrawing from a conversation. Successful couples avoid stonewalling and make an effort to stay engaged in the discussion, even when it becomes challenging or uncomfortable.

4. Contempt: Couples who thrive in their relationships avoid showing contempt towards each other. This means refraining from disrespectful behaviour, sarcasm, mockery, or belittling remarks.

5. Mind-reading: Successful couples understand that they cannot assume to know what their partner is thinking or feeling without asking for clarification. They avoid mind-reading and instead practice open and honest communication, actively seeking understanding from one another.

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