Research shows things partners say and do in a conversation to protect themselves, often hurt the other. And so arguments keep repeating in a never-ending cycle. Drs John and Julie Gottman called the first four the 'Four Horsemen' the fifth is another culprit.
The culprits of a hurtful conversation are:
1. Criticise
2. Withdraw
3. Blame
4. Resentful compliance
5. Mind reading
Criticism: Successful couples avoid criticizing each other's character or personality traits. Instead, they focus on expressing their needs and concerns in a constructive and non-blaming manner.
Defensiveness: Rather than becoming defensive or engaging in a blame game, successful couples take responsibility for their own actions and actively listen to their partner's perspective without immediately getting defensive.
Stonewalling: Stonewalling refers to shutting down or withdrawing from a conversation. Successful couples avoid stonewalling and make an effort to stay engaged in the discussion, even when it becomes challenging or uncomfortable.
Contempt: Couples who thrive in their relationships avoid showing contempt towards each other. This means refraining from disrespectful behavior, sarcasm, mockery, or belittling remarks.
Mind-reading: Successful couples understand that they cannot assume to know what their partner is thinking or feeling without asking for clarification. They avoid mind-reading and instead practice open and honest communication, actively seeking understanding from one another.